Introduction

Introduction I am writing this book, not because I think that I have any great talent for writing, but because I am writing from the heart about something that has gripped my life so strongly that I believe it is worth sharing with those who care to read it.

Sixteen years ago, I had an emotional breakdown. The next year, I was diagnosed with Bi-polar 1 Disorder or what is more commonly known as being manic-depressive. Not only am I Bi-Polar 1, I am what is referred to as a rapid-cycler. Rapid cycling is the worst kind of Bi-Polar disorder because it is so hard to diagnose. This means, without medication, my mood may go from the highest high to the lowest low three or four times in the space of an hour. But, after three years of therapy, sixteen doctors, and at least a dozen different types of medications through the years, my current doctor and I have finally hit on a combination of medications that, at least, keeps me on an even keel about eighty percent of the time. That is more than anyone else has been able to accomplish for me in sixteen years. The down side is that I am an artist and the medications take away my creativity and my desire to draw. That is why I have turned to the only other outlet I have, writing.

My goal in this endeavor is to share with others, from the journals that I have kept since age thirteen, exactly what goes on inside the mind of a person with Bi-Polar disorder - the ups and downs, the highs and lows, that are an hourly struggle for me to try to keep under control. Many times I don’t succeed and just want to give up. It is through the love and support of my family and my friends, who have to live through this with me, that I have learned that life is worth the effort.

You may find that some of the things in this book will be hard to read while others may strike a chord, or entertain you. I have restrained myself from choosing the pages of my journals that are just too dark to share, as no one would care to know just how deeply this disorder runs. So I guess I am warning you ahead of time that there are aspects of my life that have been so cruel and out of control during my highs and so black during my lows that not even I care to re-visit them. Hence you won’t be able to see the drama of the manic-depressive person in it’s utmost extremes. I just can’t bring myself to make some things public. Other pieces I have chosen to help you to understand, in part, how it plays with the mind and the moods and how I have absolutely no control over them. Some pieces are lighthearted and taken from events of my life that brought me happiness. The book starts at age thirteen when I knew nothing of writing, but could at least keep a diary of my thoughts. As the pages turn, I move into adulthood, when the disorder took such a strong hold over me and almost ruined my life.

Time, research, frustration, and much prayer have brought me to somewhat of an understanding of my disorder. But, I will never truly come to understand the human brain and the chaos that it can bring to a person's life.

My hope is that in the reading of this book, you will gain more understanding of me as a person and my personality as a whole; and, the hold that the disorder has had over my life. For me, it will be a labor of love, however painful it might be.

Chauchetta D.