A Bad Day

I’ve been waiting to write this out so that maybe something will change. My Bi-Polar is no longer just a disorder, or a state of depression, or whatever. It has now taken on a very dark form. I started to say “like another person“. Because, now I refer to it as “she” instead of “it”. She’s more like this thing inside of me that darkens my very spirit. I wake up and I fight her off everyday of my life. Some days she gives up easy and goes away so that I can at least function and enjoy my life and my family. But on other days she is an all consuming blackness. She envelopes me and holds me prisoner. All I want to do is stay in bed and be left alone. I cry a lot these days. Just cry and cry for no reason and there is no longer any sense in asking why, because I no longer pretend to have any answers. I am always tired and I am sure that other people would choose not to be around me, if they had a choice. Others around me, especially my family, need the emotional support of a wife and mother. I feel as if I am totally failing them in their needs. It’s hard to function at all. Emotionally, I am either all there, or not there at all. There seems to be very little in between. The doctors give me medicines that take away my dreams! I used to have such vivid dreams. I enjoyed trying to find the hidden meaning in them. But no more! How am I supposed to process my subconscious if it can’t come out in my dreams? Many times I found inspiration for sketches through dreaming. Either an actual picture or a feeling that I could work with. I want to go back on my lithium, but my doctor doesn’t like that idea. So, maybe I’ll just go off all my medicines. I never have manic-highs anymore and I miss them. That’s when I used to get things done around here. Now, I just push it all aside. I’m just depressed and feeling bad all the time. You know, I don’t think they ever have been fully able to control the depression. And the older I get, the worse it is getting.

Chauchetta D.